I hate you.

I hate your smile. I hate your warm hugs. I hate that I miss you. I hate that whenever I see your text I get super excited and smile like no other. I hate that the thought of you coming to visit me will probably be the most exciting thing that I heard in any given day. I hate the feelings you stir up inside of me. I hate that I love everything about you. Mostly, I hate knowing that you wont ever look at me the same way as I do with you.

This always happens...

Everytime you talk to me it sparks a bit of excitement. I know there's nothing between us but it hurts. You hurt me. I'm doing better now. I'm doing other things, getting you out of my mind. But it's so fucking hard sometimes. I wish things were different. I wish we met in another setting. It only took me a couple of months to realize that if we had went to the same highschool, we would have never spoken to eachother. It's amazing how the internet works.

I REALLY want to talk to him. But I don't want to be the first one to start up the conversation. Why is this so hard? Sometimes I feel like he's been wanting to do this to get me out of his life.

The other thing...

Another thing that adds onto my depression is my family. Being at home is one of the most depressing things I've ever experienced, which is why I hate home. At home, all I think about it how hard my parents work and how we have no money. How my dad is the dumbest shitface in the world and we're in our predicament because of him. How my mom complains to me about how she is tired all because of my dad. How even though I wasn't as close to my parents beforehand, I wish I was still in that situation. Where I didn't feel like my parents are going down a hole of no return. I fucking hate my life. Sometimes I just want to cry but I have no one to turn to.

I'm at the lowest of my lows. I've never felt so alone in my whole entire life.

I'm done.

I've been thinking about what you've been saying about me. About how I put more into our friendship than you do. About how you think I'm crazy in love with you. And you're right, I guess a lot of times I do act like that. It's true I care more about you than you do about me, but it's not true that I'm crazy in love with you. How can I love someone so heartless? How can I love someone that doesn't give a crap ass about me. I've done so much for you, you don't even realize it. You take it all for granted and you never even try do anything nice for you. So you know what? I'm through with you. I'm through with trying, I'm through with all the bullshit you put me through. You don't understand what it means to be a true friend, you complain all the time about how you don't have a real friend, but there's something I never had the guts to tell you. You've been looking for friends in the wrong direction. You don't appreciate those that actually care about you and you love those who care less about you. You're so full of yourself, you know that? So this is my blog post dedicated to you. I'm done with trying. I'm done with being the last resort. I'm done with you. From today on, I'm going to do the things you've wanted me to do. Not for you, but for me. From today on, it's all about me. It's all about the life I'm leading right now. It's all about the friends that truly care about me. Fuck you. I wasted the last five years of my life either crying, worrying, or giving a shits ass about you. But starting today, I'm done. I got 3 weeks until school starts. Three weeks to do crazy shit. And 3 weeks to make the rest of my summer the first of the best summers I'm about to have without you.

Sometimes I wish I could've done things differently. :S